Grief: The First 21 Days

There is no book for this, but there is healing and hope. Here are a few tips for your first 21 days as I write this…in my first 21 days. 

As a therapist who has worked with countless individuals navigating the waves of grief, I can tell you this: there is no manual for how to go through grief, especially the first 21 days. Grief is universal, yet it feels deeply personal, isolating, and unique to every individual. Grief can come from the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even a major life change that shatters our sense of stability. 

Regardless of the source, grief is a journey. While there’s no definitive guidebook, there is hope and healing, even when it seems far away.

The Shock of Grief: A Tsunami of Emotion

Grief hits like a tsunami. One moment, you may feel grounded, like you are standing on the warm sand of a peaceful beach, watching gentle waves roll in and out. The next moment, the ground falls out from beneath you, the waves crash down, and you are drowning. That’s exactly what grief felt like for me when my dad died last year.

As I write this, I am still treading water, slowly inching my way up, not yet riding the waves but no longer submerged. I’m looking out at the wreckage, trying to make sense of it. Amidst the devastation, there’s a small light on the horizon. I’m swimming toward it, and that’s what this post is about - finding that small light when you’re lost in the overwhelming waves of grief.

The First Stage of Grief: Riding the Emotional Waves

Grief isn’t just sadness. It’s a complex emotion that brings a range of feelings—shock, anger, guilt, confusion, and even moments of relief. These emotions can strike suddenly, taking you by surprise. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, is that we can’t judge our emotions during grief. They are part of the process.

As tempting as it may be to suppress or avoid these emotions, there is no shortcut through grief. You have to sit with the anger, acknowledge the confusion, feel the sadness. Each emotion demands your attention for a time. Allow yourself to move through them, one at a time, and eventually, you’ll start to see a path forward.

Nothing You Do is Wrong: Trust Your Healing Process

Grief is deeply personal, and there’s no right or wrong way to navigate it. This is your loss, your pain, your healing process. Some people find comfort in holding onto every item their loved one used to own; others need to let go of those possessions right away. Neither choice is wrong.

Do what feels right for you. If you find yourself sleeping in their clothes, or unable to part with their belongings, that’s okay. If, instead, you pack up their things quickly, that’s okay too. The way you grieve is unique to you, and there is no manual for getting it "right."

Let People In: Accepting Support

Grief can feel incredibly isolating, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If you have friends or family offering support, let them come. It may feel impossible to think about daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, or even getting out of bed. This is where your support system can make a world of difference.

The narrative we often tell ourselves about being strong and handling everything on our own does not apply here. You are strong for surviving this loss, but strength doesn’t mean doing it all alone. Let people in, let them support you in small ways, even if it’s just sitting with you in your grief.

It Hurts Because the Love Was Vast

The depth of your grief reflects the depth of your love. When we lose someone, it feels like a piece of ourselves has been torn away because that love was woven into our lives. 

The pain can feel unbearable, but remember, it only hurts this much because you loved so deeply. In time, the pain will soften, and you’ll be left with that love as a part of who you are.

No Drinking and Grieving: Healthy Coping Strategies

It’s tempting to reach for things that might numb the pain like alcohol, overeating, excessive TV, sleeping too much, but these are temporary escapes. They don’t allow you to fully feel and heal. 

I created a “no drinking and grieving” policy for myself and my family because alcohol only increased anxiety and restlessness. While distractions like TV breaks can provide some relief, it’s important to find a balance.

There are healthy ways to cope with grief:

• Take walks in nature

• Surround yourself with friends or loved ones

• Stay hydrated and eat nourishing foods

• Journal your thoughts or create art as an emotional release

• Speak with a counselor or therapist

• Honor routines that bring you comfort, even if they look different now

I used to call my dad almost every morning for 30 years. The sudden stop was painful, so my counselor suggested writing little notes to him and putting them in a jar. It helped me hold onto that routine until I didn’t need it anymore.

People Can Say Stupid Things

They just do. They are trying to help and support you, but not everyone knows the depth of your pain or what words might help you to take a breath. Each loss is individual and even if they have had profound loss it is still not the same as yours.I became resentful every time someone told me to be ‘strong’ or ‘don’t cry’, as if my tears were an indication of weakness. 

Wail if you need to wail; cry silent if you need to cry silent; there is no right or wrong. I recommend not attaching to their words but just notice that they are there with you, caring and heartbroken that your heart is broken. 

The most helpful words and messages were:

• I do not need to ‘move on’ but rather ‘carry my loss as I move forward’

• One day, it will be about all the moments of life and love, not just the moments of death

My favourite metaphor for loss is that whether you could see the truck coming or if you were run over from behind, you were still hit by a truck. Grief can feel like being hit by a truck. It’s an aggressive yet accurate depiction of how grief feels, at least for me. 

Research Says: Avoid Major Decisions

Research suggests avoiding major life decisions in the first year after a loss. Grief clouds our judgment, and making significant changes like moving, selling property, or changing jobs can add to the emotional strain. 

If possible, hit the pause button on life-altering choices and focus on healing. Of course for some, this may not be an option. The loss of a loved one may also mean the loss of financial security or a home. If that’s your reality, I am deeply sorry. Know that you can still heal, even if it feels like life is unraveling. 

One step at a time, you will get through this.

The End of the First 21 Days

The end of the first 21 days is significant because it was the ‘worm hole’ where I went back to work and back to life. The casseroles, phone calls, impromptu visits, flowers and check in texts stopped. It was a day where it felt like everyone else had forgotten that my life was upside down, backwards and scary…and yet I had to move forward without any recognition of it. Like it hadn’t happened. 

The absence of stories, that for a few short weeks brought shared laughter and tears, was felt almost as strongly as the loss itself. 

This blog was written in the first 21 days to help the first 21 days and to acknowledge your pain and sorrow long after the casseroles and flowers stop appearing. 

There is No Book for This, But There are Books That Help…and Flowers

While there may be no manual for grief, there are resources that can offer guidance and comfort along the way. Flowers help too.

As a therapist specializing in trauma and bereavement, I’ve read many books that have proven to be invaluable for those navigating loss; and in the first 21 days I realized I am glad I read them before I needed them. 

Here are a few recommendations:

• The Meaning of Loss by David Kessler

• It’s Okay to Not Be Okay by Megan Devine

• I’m Not a Mourning Person by Kris Carr

These books offer insights, validation, and comfort, but ultimately, remember that your grief is uniquely yours. 

Healing is not about "getting over" loss but learning to live alongside it.

Hope and Healing

Grief has no instruction manual, but there is hope and healing. 

One step at a time, you will move through it. 

Reach out for support, be kind to yourself, and know that you are not alone. Even in the darkest moments, there is always light.

Jennifer Hrstic is a Trauma & EMDR Therapist at Therapy Alberta helping adults & teens in Calgary & Alberta. She specializes in working with adults who are struggling with trauma, fatigue, and chronic illness or pain to work towards healing, wellness and meaningful connected relationships.